Holding on and letting go

I apologise in advance for the recycled posts, I’m on a 3 week placement so am lacking in time, I also wanted you guys to be able to see what I’m writing for other people. This post was originally written for Alan.

When my ‘normal’ was shattered I pretty much just shut down, I got up, did what had to be done then went to bed ready to repeat it all the next day. On the outside things might have looked ok but on the inside they definitely weren’t. I didn’t want pray, I didn’t want to look up the Bible verses people sent me, and I certainly didn’t want to hear people saying ‘God has a plan’.

Then after a few days the shut down ended and the emotion came; I wanted to scream and shout at God, to demand that He answered my questions. I was angry and upset and confused and hurt and I wanted to know why. I had some pretty serious questions for God, eleven months on and I still do; at times when I’m hurting all I can think about are the ‘why’s’ that are still waiting to be answered but the difference is that I’m no longer hurting in the dark, I’m being comforted in the light.

It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I was truly able to cross that line from dark to light, at a weekend away we were challenged to hand over to God the things we were keeping from Him and to think about why we were holding on to them in the first place.

Now I knew full well why I was still holding on to things which happened almost a year ago, and it wasn’t because I didn’t trust God, it wasn’t that I didn’t think He could help or because I didn’t think He’d want to. In fact I was certain it was none of these things because I knew that the only reason I had been able to keep treading the waters of life for so long was that God had been taking all the weights and burdens that I couldn’t cope with and lifting them. I was holding on to these things because of other people. I was so scared that I’d either cause people more upset or make them think that I was weak that I just stuffed everything into a bottle, super glued the lid on and left it!

I’ve never been a girly girl and if I’m honest that’s never going to change but my attitude to weakness did have to change, I had to stop thinking that I had to be seen to be holding it together, I needed to realise that it was ok to ask for help from other people. It’s something I’m still working on, and probably something I’ll be working on for the rest of my life but God didn’t make us to be solitary beings we were created by three beings in a perfect relationship, God didn’t put people in my life to judge me but to help me, support me, to offer a well timed hug, something to laugh at and a shoulder to cry on.

I realised that weekend that whilst yes, the only person who should hold enough of me to truly break my heart (spot the Taylor Swift lyric? Don’t blame me blame camp) is God that doesn’t mean that my friends can’t help, God uses them to get me through the dark times and to brighten the light ones.

God is a master at bringing light out of the darkness but we have to let Him do it, sure my darkness got a bit more like dusk but whilst I was holding on to things it couldn’t be transformed, there would always be the darkness. One song I heard a lot over that weekend away was ‘At the foot of the cross,’ the lyrics really struck me.

At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgment You received
And You’ve won my heart
And You’ve won my heart
Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me life
Through the death you bore for me
And You’ve won my heart
And You’ve won my heart
Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

God knew my pain, He’d been there and now He was hurting because I was hurting, He knew how I felt and He wanted to help. In the darkness it can feel like you’re drowning, like there’s no way back but there is because God’s promises don’t change. One of the key phrases of the weekend was:

Don’t doubt in the dark what God has promised in the light.

The cross will always mean that we can lay our burdens down, that God will take them and exchange them for beauty and light. No matter how dark it gets, God’s light is brighter.

God won my heart when I was fifteen and so as I’m stepping out in to this latest version of normal, one where needing help isn’t a weakness, where I don’t always have to hold it together, where it’s ok to get angry, scared and confused, I’m stepping out with God firmly at my side, my friends close to my heart and a determination to make it the best version of normal yet.